Every day I get a new marital journal in the mail. Every day it says the same thing (which research supports). Couples who decide to stick it out in a marriage not going so well end up being happy in the long run (this does not include abusive relationships). The key to these results is you have to work at it. Sticking it out can be tough, and divorcing although not an easy option is an immediate solution (to at least one problem).The toughest part of sticking it out is that most people who struggle in their marriage don’t have the skills they need to pull the relationship out of a downward spiral.

     Another very clear problem is that couples don’t have a lot of mentors who can help support and guide them through the rough times. Many people don’t belong to a church or feel accepted by one, the families live far away and the media makes it appear that if you don’t’ get all of your needs met in a marriage it is doomed. The magazines and TV make it appear that everyone should be married to someone beautiful and totally enamored by us all the time. Perhaps this explains the constant switching of partners with actors, and celebrities. We see couples walking hand in hand with their perfect dog and perfect baby and we begin to believe our marriage is not good enough as compared to theirs.

     I believe marriage is the greatest institution on earth. I took and take my vows seriously, and I have gone over in my own mind what they mean when I hit a rough patch in my own marriage. I also believe that marriage is not respected by many people and is often taken advantage of. However at the end of the day, most of my clients want to be married, are trying to find someone to marry, or are hurting from a loss of their marriage. This depicts the importance of marriage, and is one of the reasons I like reading Scott Haltzman’s work. Haltzman wrote “The Secrets of Happily Married Men: Eight ways to win your Wife’s Heart Forever”. He also wrote “The Secrets of Happily Married Women: How to Get More Out of Your Relationship by Doing Less.”

     Haltzman believes if your relationship is going badly it may be due to the fact that you have set your expectations too high. I see this frequently because couples who become critical of each other usually have an underlying thought that this person (spouse) should make them happy. They forget that they too must nurture their relationships. For example, the economy has put a strain on most families. Families want nice things, the cell phones, the flat screen TV’s, the nicest computers and iPhones. You cannot have these things unless you work long hours. Working long hours takes away from the relationship. Couples don’t understand the need to communicate these frustrations. “How can we have nice things and still have enough time for us?” Usually due to the lack of talking about it and negotiating they become withdrawn, critical of their partner, and angry at themselves because they aren’t happy. This gets projected into the marriage and instead of working on their relationship to solve this issue they blame the marriage. “It must be you and I”. “We shouldn’t have gotten married”. It has nothing to do with the marriage. It has to do with sitting down and talking about it.
 

                   Most of the problems that couples work through  in my office are due to one thing and one thing only. They have stopped listening to each other.When couples  begin to listen to each other and stop  judging  their partner,  situations begin to improve. I have watched couples  bite their tongue while sitting on my sofa listening  so they would not throw a judgment at their partner. You can learn this skill no matter how long you have been married and nothing will begin to restore your “messy marriage” as quickly as this one skill. I have listed three other quick skills you can begin to practice today.

1.   "I" statements. When you are talking to your partner begin to use “I”. In other words, you don’t say “YOU always do this, or YOU never do that”. You say, “I feel (worthless, unloved, and sad) when you say that. This makes your partner feel less blamed, less defensive, and it gives you ownership into owning your own feelings. In the real word, your partner cannot make you feel anything. You choose to feel the way you do when certain things are said. It isn’t right or wrong. It just is.

2.                   Sit down and look at your partner at least 15 minutes each day. Take the challenge. How many of you turn off all communication and just look at your partner every day for 15 minutes and visit?
 

3.                   Do one fun thing with your partner each week. Something you both enjoy. Dinner, a bath, playing tennis, or golf, going for a run, all of these and many more are good options.

If we can better our marriages, we can better our children, their education, and our society at large. Your marriage matters. Keep it strong. Keep it healthy.
 

For more information go to: www.maryjorapini.com

Tune in to Fox on WEDNESDAY mornings from 9 to 10a.m. to see Mary Jo address these and your relationship issues. Call in's are welcome. This WEDNESDAY Mary Jo will be accompanied by Dr. Jeffrey Long discussing his new book "Evidence of an Afterlife" which is currently on the New York Times best seller list

Diana@DianaAyers.com